On denial

Orgasm denial is one of the most valuable strategies in the enforcement of discipline and obedience. It’s especially useful, I have found, in long-distance d/s relationships, where you can’t do all those things that submissive girls thrive on, like hair-pulling and face-slapping and nipple-twisting and bottom-spanking. So you have to be a bit more inventive.

Orgasm denial is a bit of a misnomer, because much of the time it’s not about complete denial but about imposing restrictions or perhaps simply complications. However, complete denial is certainly good for her. It’s my experience that submissive girls are more orgasmic than most (though whether they are so because they are submissive, or whether it’s the other way round, I’m not sure). And so denial produces a strong effect, which is after all what the dom is looking for. It’s good when she tells you how much she is suffering, how her cunt aches and throbs, how desperate she is getting and how she can’t think of anything but her need to come. I find this makes me want to be even more strict in managing her desires.

I’ve experimented with two types. In the one, denial is for a specified time, as in, ‘you can’t come till 3.30pm next Friday.’ So she spends the intervening time counting down the hours and minutes, and the closer it gets the more desperate she is, to the point where her need fills her whole mind, and she thinks she might go crazy before the deadline is reached. The other tactic is to impose an indefinite ban; ‘you can’t come until further notice’. It’s a moot point which is the most difficult for the poor girl. If she knows how long it’s going to last, at least she has a goal. But if the goal is several days away, it can seem like a lengthy ordeal. If the ban is indefinite, there is the hope that it might end at any time, but there is the awful prospect that it might go on and on, an orgasm-free future stretching out into eternity. I tend to think that for the purposes of discipline and control, learning acquiescence in the dom’s will, an indefinite ban is best. She needs to be taught that her role is acceptance, and her goal the peace of mind that comes from total submission; focussing on the moment when the ban will be lifted is not what it’s about.

I like to vary the outright ban with all kinds of restrictions. Some of them are merely inconveniences. She can only come after a certain time of day, or in a particular place (for example, ‘for the next week you can only come in your car. That’s tough? Too bad.’) Or she may not use her vibrator, or even not use her hands at all. (Ingenious and needy girls find all kinds of ways…) Maybe she must wear her butt-plug while she does it (a submissive girl without a butt-plug is like a fish out of water), or/and penetrate her cunt with some object while she masturbates.

I like to hear her responses, how hard it was, what it made her feel. I always tell her I am open to requests, and I do like to hear submissive girls beg. Of course I also like to turn them down; there’s no guarantee they will melt my hard heart.

I think it’s important that it is a true learning experience, not a pointless exercise, because girls really do find it hard; nothing makes a girl want to come more than knowing that she can’t. Girls need to know there’s some purpose behind it. They need to realise that it’s essentially about teaching respect for the dom’s power and about obedience and patience and all the other submissive virtues. At the same time they need to learn that the actual restrictions imposed have no significance in themselves; they are purely arbitrary. How long a ban lasts is simply a matter of the dom’s whim (and woe betide a girl who moans that it’s not fair!).

Sometimes it’s not a matter of imposing bans or restrictions, but of ordering mandatory orgasms. ‘You will come at 6pm on the dot. You will come again at 7pm and again at 8pm. Then no more until tomorrow.’ This is just as effective as a ban in teaching compliance. I also spoke recently on this blog about ruined orgasms. They are best to give in person, where the dom can assert full control, but it’s certainly good for a girl to be made to bring herself to the brink, stop, wait, start again, stop again, and so on. And on. And on, maybe, until the poor girl is reduced to a wreck of sodden neediness. Even though it’s most effective in real life, this is also a good scenario to practice online when the webcam is going; the look on her face when you say ‘stop’ is most gratifying.

It goes without saying that in order to do these things without the webcam you need absolute trust in your girl. You have to be convinced she is totally honest and sincere. If you have any doubt that she is actually doing the things you tell her to do, or not doing the things you forbid her to do, then it’s pointless. The whole thing breaks down, not just the strategy of denial, but I think the relationship itself, which surely cannot survive an absence of trust.

I’ve known one or two girls who successfully argued me out of orgasm denial. I think there are some for whom the act of masturbation is not just a pleasure and the relief of a need. It seems to be about reinforcing the girl’s sense of herself, providing her with the comfort and reassurance that she needs to feel secure and fulfilled. If it’s important to her in that way, I wouldn’t want to take it away from her. There are other ways of teaching obedience. But I think if a girl tried to use this argument when it wasn’t really true in her case, that I’d know, and would be quick to take appropriate action…